Absent Minded, but Full of Heart

It's easy for me to say words, write them, and to present in any way there possible.
But can I say that I'd be able to perform as well as I sound?

That in meaning - If I said "Okay, I'll be your girlfriend." would I be able to actually be that?
Would I be the kind of girlfriend that you wanted?
Would I be able to reach your expectations and wants?

Or, "Fine. I'll do it your way."
How long could I possibly keep that up?

Free, independent, and impeccably defiant.
I'm not being narcissistic, but it's how I am.
I also don't like doing what most couples do.
I'm afraid of being touched in an intimate way. I'm afraid of kisses on the lips.

And only one person had been able to change that.
But for that one person alone.
And I haven't found another one like him.

But I have my own crushes.
On virtually almost every single guy I meet.
But I'm no flirt.
If he has someone, then he's off my record.
But the others remain, and even though I'd openly say, "I like you."

It could never become any more than that.
NEVER.

I can't explain myself, because not even I understand myself all that well.
Especially when I can settle for being 2nd.
Especially when I've never truly fought for anything.

If I had to illustrate my mind, it would be a large TV with over a thousand different little sections put out on a million channels playing at the same time, but one would enlarge - then change to another one. It would be on forever, and at random.

If I had to illustrate my heart...
It would be a pitch black room with a single poor soul inside holding a forever burning lamp - who ran from wall to wall constantly to read the tiny little words written on the walls set in a random pattern to figure out just what it all meant.

I'm filled with indecision and a submissive will.

I'm a terror with a spoon.
I make things complicated for myself in order to understand something.

Now.
Allow me to wonder if I could be anything more than what I am.
And if I could possibly be someone to another person other than some-other.

I feel that I can't.